Sometimes

I wrote a poem for a friend of mine recently... I thought I'd share it.

Sometimes the clouds are dark. Sometimes the rain is hard.
Sometimes the grass grows fast after you just clipped the yard.

Sometimes you eat baloney for 3 months in a row.
Sometimes you get ice storms---the sky never sends snow.

Sometimes the moths find the oatmeal and stay til they're tossed.
Sometimes you have to wear one earring because the other is lost.

Sometimes the pizza burns, and the smoke alarm reminds you.
Sometimes you have a day where you want no one to find you.

Sometimes means not always, because the sometimeses sometimes cease,
And that is why you, friend, have a crazy hope and peace----

You look past those bad times, and they blur in your view
And though they may get worse, even, you can't see that they grew

Because you look directly at the Bright and Morning Sun,
and you know the splendor that is soon to come.

It's not just right now, life isn't just today....
This life is like chaff the wind blows away.

The resurrection keeps us going when some times are rough,
Sometimes a reminder to remember isn't good enough.

But I hope that this small reminder helps just a bit
Because I want to help somehow as you endure all of it.

Waiting and Hoping as the Days Pass

Waiting and hoping as the days pass,
Staring and tapping on the dark glass.
Soon I will find that I'm no longer blind,
Lord, let that day come surprisingly fast.

Aching and longing for what is in store,
Mindful and grateful there is so much more.
My wordly desires thrown into the fire,
Then none will detract from the fact I am Yours.

Dripping and creaking--- deaf'ning sounds as I wait,
Peering and searching, I pursue the bait.
If You'd only return and fulfill what I yearn...
I can't help but feel that You're just slightly late.

Written September 8, 2010

No Name Yet...

Some extra cash this week as I tithe,
and I think it's sacrifice.

But how can I talk of sacrifice
when You gave up Your throne and Your life?

This is my one request:
that You would not let me forget.

Everywhere I go I pray You'd protect me, Lord
and keep me from all harm,

But then on the other side, as I sing martyrs die,
and You've kept them close in Your arms.

This is my one request:
that You would not let me forget.
This is my one request:
that You would not let my comforts let me forget.

The candle burns; the wind it blows, and I'm afraid it will go out.
But still it burns, weak as it is. Lord, please, strengthen the flame with Your power.

This is my one request:
that You would not let Your church forget.
This is my one request:
that You would not let our comforts let us forget.

The candle burns; the wind it blows, and I'm afraid it will go out.

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I'm so young that I really don't know what phases are vs. real passions/convictions. Right now I might just be in a phase where I think that the American Church--- in general--- misrepresents what Jesus ever said, what He did. I see these tendencies in me, where I want to believe that it is enough to live comfortably and say that I gave everything. Autumn is coming, and I want to decorate the house--- maybe even just a wreath on the door--- but is that what I should spend my money on? How did it come to be that these things are so important to me? To Americans? I am really struggling. This song was written while I was doing some introspection and reflection. I don't think, at least at this point in my life, that living comfortably--- the American Dream--- is in anyway what Christ intended.

Maybe this phase will pass.

The End of June

Up Late

I don't quite have words to express the things that are happening inside of me right now. All I know is that I went to bed at a decent hour, awoke around 3:00, and I can't get back to sleep. I did read a little bit of the Mitford book I borrowed from Jessica, and it was a sweet, gentle distraction from a strange hurricane in my mind.

Soon we will have an ultrasound to find out why we have not yet heard the baby's heartbeat, and I'm not sure I will resemble a strong disciple if I find out that the baby is not alive and that I will begin miscarrying sometime in the near future.

When I had gallbladder surgery, we found out that I was allergic to Vicodin after a long evening/night/morning of taking it regularly and being unable to breath, experiencing a lot of internal pain and external itching. Eventually we got our hands on some Phenergan that was finally prescribed, but after taking it once, I did not like the effects of it, so I took myself off of pain medicine altogether in order to heal from my surgery. I can't describe the internal pain that I had--- the way that it seemed I could feel each organ rubbing against the others as I moved, as if they were all sandpaper against my nerves. But honestly, I didn't mind it too much. I was too uncomfortable to be at work, but the pain was bearable.

It's the emotional pain I dread. And I'm not sure why. I've healed from past hurts, haven't I? In fact, those hurts have brought me closer to Christ. So why the dread? I suppose part of me is afraid of failure, as if miscarrying was a result of my own inabilities. And a BIG part of me really wants this baby to arrive just before Christmas... in time for a picture by our little artificial, drooping tree.

I've thought about what it would be like to cuddle the baby... to wake up exhausted in the middle of the night to sing to the crying little one. I've thought about manners, exemplifying what loving neighbors look like for our child, watching the baby swing rhythmically in a portable swing and falling asleep. I'm concerned that I'm excited about all the wrong things in life, and that's why I'm setting myself up for a disappointment.

I remember sobbing in the middle of the night while praying for a baby, and then finding out a few weeks later that I was pregnant. I'm inclined to be indignant and say, "What a cruel joke!" if the baby has died. I also remember telling the Lord that this baby is 100% His, and that if this baby is not an earth-bound baby that I'm okay with that because I know it isn't mine anyway.

What has happened to me since then? Have I decided to take back what is rightfully God's? How dare I do that?!

I'm at a point where I need to make a conscious choice. Will I be patient and let God work? Will I let myself look at other people instead of constantly at my own situation right now?

I hope so.

Desert Song

I--- I will follow
You, though You lead me through the desert,

For You lead me,
You always lead me,
to green pastures
to quiet water.

So I--- I will follow
You, though You lead me through the desert.

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This is a song that I wrote the day I found out I was pregnant. After two miscarriages, I waited over one difficult year to become pregnant again. And in the time I was waiting, I learned so much about desiring God alone and trusting Him. The two parts overlap, because both parts (the promise to follow and the truth that the destination is always beautiful) should run simultaneously in our minds no matter what situation--- good or bad--- we are going through. I sing this song when I'm nervous that I might be miscarrying. It's a good reminder for me.

Stand

I woke up this morning, and I looked outside.
There stood Goliath with ten thousand men, and I wanted to hide.
I said I wanted to hide.

And as I stared out that window, the rain started to pour;
The wind blew the branches all around, but I didn't fear 'cause I'm Yours

And I'm going to stand on this Rock though the mighty winds blow
I'm going to stand on this Rock all through the storm
I'm going to stand.

Sometimes I feel so ashamed, and I just want to cry
But your mighty workmen are not to be ashamed, so I won't hide!

No, I'm going to stand on this Rock though the giants surround.
I'm going to stand on this Rock, and I'm not coming down!

(On Christ the solid Rock I stand
all other ground is sinking sand,
all other ground is sinking sand...)

So I'm going to stand on this Rock though the mighty winds blow
I'm going to stand on this Rock all through the storm
No, I'm going to stand on this Rock though the giants surround.
I'm going to stand on this Rock, and I'm not coming down!

I'm going to stand!
Lord, won't You help me to stand?
I'm going to stand!


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I wrote this song when Matt was in Longview at TECH doing an internship, and I was in Elgin, waiting to marry him.  :)  I literally woke up one morning feeling like there was too much for me to do: preparing the wedding, finding an apartment, finding a job, etc.  It felt like Goliath and his men were waiting outside.  I remember looking outside and the sun was shining so bright, but I thought, "It might as well be pouring."  I decided right that moment that I was not going to let myself talk my body into crawling back under the sheets and hiding, and I figured I might need a song to get myself out of bed that morning.

So I wrote this one.  This is from the late spring of '07.  Whenever I feel overwhelmed I hum it, or play it if an instrument is available.  I've even heard Matt sing it before.  It's definitely one to get you out of bed!

You Take and You Give

Empty pockets of time
sitting, waiting for a sign
Any answer at all
or did You not hear me call?

Paper cuts, lemon juice
I thought I would hear from You
I stood waiting, thought You'd show
but I s'pose I don't know

And I'm still here waiting for You

I know You take and You give
that phrase repeats as I live
I stood waiting, thought You'd show
but I s'pose I don't know

And I'm still here waiting for You

Forgot the sound of Your voice
Or am I not listening by choice?
Were you waiting for me
to drop my will and just be?

I hope You're still here waiting for me
I hope You're still here waiting for me
Yes, You are here waiting for me!

Holy Lord, most Holy Lord,
You're good to me, good to me.
Holy Lord, most Holy Lord,
You're good to me, always good to me.

I know You take and You give
that phrase repeats as I live.


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I wrote this song February '08, right after we lost our first baby.  It is a fairly whiny song, and I wrote all the way up to the last "And I'm still here waiting for You" line.  After my pain faded, I added the part about God being there the whole time, and I was the fool who didn't notice because I was just standing around and begging for what I wanted. 

But it was the following year when I wrote the layers of melodies that go with the lines "Holy Lord, most Holy Lord, You're good to me..."  I wrote that right after our second miscarriage.  I wrote that with the knowledge that God is good all of the time, and that his plans are not to destroy me with pain, but to help me become more like Him.  There are two melodies for those lines, and they continue repeatedly before the last line is added as a third melody---- the melody from the verse from where it came.

I sit down to play it when I feel like whining, because it always brings me back to turning away from myself to who God is...

And that's where I should stay focused!

Closer to You

Everyday I have a choice to make
Will I remember that all I do is for Your sake?
Help me deny my flesh, so every step I take
will bring me closer to you.

Why do I hold onto obstacles that only stand in my way
when You're trying to clear them, so my path remains straight?
Hold my hands open, Lord, when I continue to cling.
I want to be sure I take control of nothing.

I lose focus: You lose a vessel.
I look for purpose: You say I had one.
I fight for my way: You discipline.
It builds character--- and You helped me build a lot of character.

Everyday I have a choice to make

Will I remember that all I do is for Your sake?

Help me deny my flesh, so every step I take

will bring me closer to you.

Today

Gratefulness will propel me through each moment today
as I soak in the treasures that God kissed my way.
Though this day may not hold what I planned that it would,
I know it holds what the Planner thought it should.

So with thanksgiving I admire the generosity of the Giver,
and I remember that I'm blessed to praise Him forever.
I'm His--- He is mine--- and I find that most profound,
so from my mouth He will not hear a single whining sound.


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Just a thought today on my tendency to whine to God and ask Him for favors without looking at what He's already given me.  Thanks for reading!

Numbered

Sovereign Lord, over harvest and drought,
You speak life into being, and the stars form out of your mouth.

Your power is endless; forever You will reign!
You've called me your child, and You have numbered my days

until I will get to be near You,
until I will get to walk by Your side,
until I will finally touch Your hem,
until I will look in Your fiery eyes.


It's something like a window between me and You.
My heart is splitting because I can't reach through!

Oh, when will I get to be near You?
When will I get to walk by Your side?
When will I finally touch Your hem?
When will I look in Your fiery eyes?

You've called me Your child, and You have numbered my days.

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Have you ever been jealous of the disciples?  Ever jealous of Lazarus?  Lately I've been jealous of Lazarus because he was actually Jesus' FRIEND.  He wasn't a disciple.  He knew Jesus was divine... so did his sisters, Mary and Martha.  Lately I've just been jealous of these wonderful people who got to walk with and listen to the Lord.  I'm not complaining about His Spirit being with us.  I'm SO grateful that He is constantly near, but I'm a physical person as WELL as spiritual.  And I crave the physical Lord as WELL as the spiritual... version.  ?


You know that woman who got healed by grabbing the tassel of his prayer shawl?  Some versions of Scripture say His hem.  She knew He was the Messiah.  That's why she had faith to touch it.  I wish I could have been her, or even been near her when that happened. 


I have this strange homesickness... I've had it for awhile.  No matter where I am, Elgin or Longview, I go through lengths of time when I feel sick to my stomach about being here on Earth.  Right now I'm going through it, so I wrote this song this weekend.  I'm not interested whatsoever in ending my life, but I'm ready to go when He says it's time. 


That's all.

Ponder

My eyes cast down,
staring at the ground,
as I walk on
without making a sound.

In my mind
I can feel their eyes
questioning and laughing
as if I'm a circus clown.

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   is this what life is---
   A place no one fits in?

You hear the cries
I've stifled deep inside,
and You've torn the mask
from the pain that I hide.

Every last detail,
yes, even every fingernail,
You carefully formed,
and You made it just right.

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   at my Creator! He give life,
   and He made me just right.

      This thorn in my side
      ---it is Yours, it's not mine---
      You took it away when you gave me new life.
      And this pain as I breath
      is here to remind me
      of the suffering that held You on that tree.

            And now the veil is torn
            and this crown of thorns
            isn't worn anymore
            You have opened the door
            to Your throne room--- I see
            My Savior, my God, is welcoming me!

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   at my Creator!

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It was the day before the TECH the garage sale.  There were several people in, board members and TECH friends to help.  I made a large amount of chicken and brought it across the street, so there could be a ready meal--- to relieve any stress that may have been on the host of the guests (who were staying for several days).  That night I decided to make a cake for the helping guests.  I made it and delivered it the next morning... the day of the garage sale.  I came by the sale after work, and one person complimented the cake, and another told me that it was really quite good!  She said, "I know it must have been one of your experiments, but this experiment actually turned out!"  How would a GUEST know that my meals are somewhat experimental?  And how would a GUEST have any idea that my experiments oft went awry?  I just gave her a smile, but my heart cracked, and I continued to help put the garage sale away.


This is just one instance that I found myself the butt of a joke here.  I'm not at all like the people at this organization, in fact, just last week a friend here told me I don't exactly fit.  Triangle peg... square hole.


So I wrote this and put it to music the day the innocent comment was made.  As I began singing, God helped me shift the focus from myself onto him... where it should be.  When I'm feeling insignificant or "cracked," I play this song.  My life is so much LESS about my pride than I usually think it is.

My Glasses are On...

Did you know that 52% of the world lives off of $1,000 or less each year?  That means that Matt and I are among the richest population in the world!  Those who make $10,000/year or more are in the top 10% of the richest humans.  

Today someone asked me how I am.  Today I am so embarrassed of the way I live.

Matt and I are praying for direction today, praying that God would make it very clear where he wants us.  I feel like I just want to be in the NORMAL, secular world, where it isn't confusing what a Christian should or should not look like.  Working among Christians can make my vision blurry where I cannot see exactly what God expects of me, but instead I see what they think is acceptable.  It's blurry.

We are spending the day in prayer, trying to decipher what God wants of us, though I'm suspecting He's going to keep it a secret for now.

Meanwhile, I'll keep praying and searching my motives and actions for ways to improve integrity with what I know God wants of me, versus what the average person expects God to want from me.  I'm going to go put on my glasses and search.

Lukewarm

Matchstick fire
sulfur strike
ignite and spread
so alive
     so alive

Cooling embers
soft drizzle
sizzle, hiss
smoke and ash
      smoke and ash

    Eager, but not willing
    conformed, and not transforming
    pursued, but now ignoring
    and all the while...

Stomach tight
groaning sigh
parched and dry
hunger pains
     won't go away

Candy clutches
salt water
in a glass
can't escape
     true hunger pains

    Eager, but not willing

    conformed, and not transforming

    pursued, but now ignoring 

    and all the while...

Matchstick fire

sulfur strike

ignite and spread

so alive

     so alive

"Lukewarm" is a song I wrote several months ago as I was reflecting on what I was like before I was a disciple.  Certain things would excite me about the Lord, but I wasn't willing to sacrifice my life for what God desired.  I was like the match.  As I was reflecting I suddenly started to weep; I realized that I am susceptable to falling away from my Savior, and I couldn't imagine ever doing that.  He promised me, though, that I am in his grip, and no one can snatch me out of His hand.


Then I cried for those who are not yet in His hand.  The people who say they are believers, but they are not transformed, and they have tuned out the Holy Spirit in order to live their lives as they see fit, as a child who eats candy as he pleases, and when he finds himself thirsty, he drinks whatever is available... even if it's saltwater!  So many Americans live like this, but say they are following Christ.  Then I began jotting down the words above.


Matt and I have grown very passionate about this particular topic, and whenever I ask Matt to "make a request or dedication," when I sit down at the piano, he ALWAYS chooses this one.  Thought I'd share it with you.  Perhaps the melody will come in the future.

My Explanations and Your Expectations

Matt and I share another blog, but we decided to make it a little more business-like.  Matt encouraged me to start another blog and write about the things that I think about.  This blog is NOT supposed to be important, nor do I promise to write things objectively.  I'm just going to do some writing when I feel like writing, and I'll leave it blank when I don't... it'll be a good place to let myself NOT feel guilty for NOT keeping up with it.  But... I have been feeling an urge to write a bit more, so hopefully this will help.

I write poetry.

I love playing with words and turning them into something melodic and adding a piano or guitar part to the pieces.  Maybe I'll share some songs on this blog.  I will certainly post some poetry, though. 

 I don't really share my poetry.  I suppose you could ask why I don't, and I suppose the simple answer is because I know that it usually deserves an eye-roll.  But I figure, why not have a spot where I can write things that SHOULD receive an eye-roll?  That way I'll expect it, and I won't be offended or hurt.  If anyone reads my blog, they'll expect to read some overly dramatic poetry, and then they'll not be so surprised!  Maybe it will be a good place for someone to come just to read my exaggerated thoughts, so they will come to the conclusion that they're doing pretty well themselves after all!

I'm hoping, too, that by reading my poetry, someone might get unique glimpse of God or what it means to be a Christian, from my perspective.  

I plan to share funny, sad, solemn and thoughtful poetry that is somehow linked with faith.  Perhaps one or two poems will seem to be short of being sermon material (ha ha!), but hopefully behind the scenes... or between the lines (pick your favorite cliche)... my faith will be visible.  I also plan to write prose... sometimes just thoughts I have.

If you don't expect too much you won't be let down!