Ponder

My eyes cast down,
staring at the ground,
as I walk on
without making a sound.

In my mind
I can feel their eyes
questioning and laughing
as if I'm a circus clown.

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   is this what life is---
   A place no one fits in?

You hear the cries
I've stifled deep inside,
and You've torn the mask
from the pain that I hide.

Every last detail,
yes, even every fingernail,
You carefully formed,
and You made it just right.

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   at my Creator! He give life,
   and He made me just right.

      This thorn in my side
      ---it is Yours, it's not mine---
      You took it away when you gave me new life.
      And this pain as I breath
      is here to remind me
      of the suffering that held You on that tree.

            And now the veil is torn
            and this crown of thorns
            isn't worn anymore
            You have opened the door
            to Your throne room--- I see
            My Savior, my God, is welcoming me!

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   at my Creator!

________________________________


It was the day before the TECH the garage sale.  There were several people in, board members and TECH friends to help.  I made a large amount of chicken and brought it across the street, so there could be a ready meal--- to relieve any stress that may have been on the host of the guests (who were staying for several days).  That night I decided to make a cake for the helping guests.  I made it and delivered it the next morning... the day of the garage sale.  I came by the sale after work, and one person complimented the cake, and another told me that it was really quite good!  She said, "I know it must have been one of your experiments, but this experiment actually turned out!"  How would a GUEST know that my meals are somewhat experimental?  And how would a GUEST have any idea that my experiments oft went awry?  I just gave her a smile, but my heart cracked, and I continued to help put the garage sale away.


This is just one instance that I found myself the butt of a joke here.  I'm not at all like the people at this organization, in fact, just last week a friend here told me I don't exactly fit.  Triangle peg... square hole.


So I wrote this and put it to music the day the innocent comment was made.  As I began singing, God helped me shift the focus from myself onto him... where it should be.  When I'm feeling insignificant or "cracked," I play this song.  My life is so much LESS about my pride than I usually think it is.