Up Late

I don't quite have words to express the things that are happening inside of me right now. All I know is that I went to bed at a decent hour, awoke around 3:00, and I can't get back to sleep. I did read a little bit of the Mitford book I borrowed from Jessica, and it was a sweet, gentle distraction from a strange hurricane in my mind.

Soon we will have an ultrasound to find out why we have not yet heard the baby's heartbeat, and I'm not sure I will resemble a strong disciple if I find out that the baby is not alive and that I will begin miscarrying sometime in the near future.

When I had gallbladder surgery, we found out that I was allergic to Vicodin after a long evening/night/morning of taking it regularly and being unable to breath, experiencing a lot of internal pain and external itching. Eventually we got our hands on some Phenergan that was finally prescribed, but after taking it once, I did not like the effects of it, so I took myself off of pain medicine altogether in order to heal from my surgery. I can't describe the internal pain that I had--- the way that it seemed I could feel each organ rubbing against the others as I moved, as if they were all sandpaper against my nerves. But honestly, I didn't mind it too much. I was too uncomfortable to be at work, but the pain was bearable.

It's the emotional pain I dread. And I'm not sure why. I've healed from past hurts, haven't I? In fact, those hurts have brought me closer to Christ. So why the dread? I suppose part of me is afraid of failure, as if miscarrying was a result of my own inabilities. And a BIG part of me really wants this baby to arrive just before Christmas... in time for a picture by our little artificial, drooping tree.

I've thought about what it would be like to cuddle the baby... to wake up exhausted in the middle of the night to sing to the crying little one. I've thought about manners, exemplifying what loving neighbors look like for our child, watching the baby swing rhythmically in a portable swing and falling asleep. I'm concerned that I'm excited about all the wrong things in life, and that's why I'm setting myself up for a disappointment.

I remember sobbing in the middle of the night while praying for a baby, and then finding out a few weeks later that I was pregnant. I'm inclined to be indignant and say, "What a cruel joke!" if the baby has died. I also remember telling the Lord that this baby is 100% His, and that if this baby is not an earth-bound baby that I'm okay with that because I know it isn't mine anyway.

What has happened to me since then? Have I decided to take back what is rightfully God's? How dare I do that?!

I'm at a point where I need to make a conscious choice. Will I be patient and let God work? Will I let myself look at other people instead of constantly at my own situation right now?

I hope so.