No Title Yet!

I'm getting help with the title... This song is one of my first very, very positive songs!!!  :)  Upbeat-ish, and hopeful.  Woo-hoo!  Three cheers for hope! 

I know it reads awkwardly, but the melody I'll have to share soon.  It'll make more sense then!  I'd love feedback!  Any changes???  This one's pretty fresh and new!





I open up my weary eyes,
and I part the shades.
Covering the ground I see the blooms
where the winter snow has laid.

There's a quiet tune inside my soul---
I hold to it fast
When the night looms dark and silent
I know this song of mine will last.

Though my feet might slow, & the wind might burn
Forward I'll still run;
This race is just a short while,
And I've just begun.

My armor is in place
As I fall to my knees
There's no triumph in my strength at all,
And here approach my enemies.
I can hear their battle cry,
But Your banner's over me.
Though they attack, my wounds might sting,
But they'll find no victory.

I open up my weary eyes
And I part the shades.
Covering the ground I see the blooms
Where the winter... where the winter snow has laid.




- - - - - - - -


Lots of things contributed to writing this one... you can maybe tell.  Physical and spiritual.  :)  One cool thing was learning Jehovah Nissi... God is my banner.  I decided that this is one of my favorite names for the Lord right now... it's referred to in the last bit.  :) 

A Comrade

Last night while going to bed, I told Matt about a friend of mine who thinks I'm very strange.  I told him how whenever I tell her what I'm REALLY thinking, she laughs and says, "You're so weird."

His response?  He said, "Molly, you ARE weird!"

I guess since I've been married I never thought I was a different kind of person.  I remember high school and college when I felt like I didn't match the color scheme of the other students, and though I don't necessarily MATCH other colors, I was always sure Matt "got" me, and even that we both were similar.  But last night he told me that he, basically, doesn't get me.  He said I think, act and feel differently about the world around me than anyone else he knows.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.  He told me it wasn't bad, but he thinks I'm weird, too.  Maybe because he didn't ever disagree with my thoughts, I assumed he agreed.  I feel very confused now.  I thought I had a comrade.  Maybe I do.

The Bridge

I've been pushed to the edge of a towering cliff
By the floods of torment in which I live.
I kept staring at my feet as forward I stepped,
And I nearly missed The Bridge.

- - - - - - - -- - - - -

This poem is just a little verse I wrote during church the other night... Ron was talking about how hard it is to have faith when we are only looking at ourselves in trials... we look at how we can muster up faith, and faith becomes an idol, instead of relying on God, and obeying what He says when we don't feel obedient. 

He painted a word picture of trials being so big that they push us to the edge of a cliff, and we are only looking at ourselves. 

I used HIS idea and made it rhyme.  :)

My Dream

I walked through the sands of the Bitter and Sweet,
I climbed up the mountain where I sat at Your feet,
And we stayed there for just awhile.

Now I search high and low to find You--- why did You go?
When will You come back, I'm desperate to know.
But I know You won't desert your child.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This song is based on a dream I had... one of the coolest dreams I've ever had, I must say.

It started with several tasks that I had to accomplish.  I did all these things, knowing I needed to get to the Cinnamon and Sugar farm at the end (go figure).  When I got to the farm (after all the rest of the items were crossed off the list), I stepped out of the car onto the cinnamon and sugar... it was like sand everywhere.  Harmony, a missionary here at TECH, met me wearing overalls.  She and I discussed the few questions we would have for Jesus if we could just talk to Him. 

We decided it was time, so she said goodbye to me, and I headed across the fields of cinnamon and sugar.  I climbed up this mountain, still made of the sandy mixture, and I sat down, Indian-style.  Suddenly Jesus appeared--- He was lit up, like there were fluorescent lights shooting out of Him... but more like a diamond under light because all colors of the rainbow were reflecting off of Him... It was crazy!


I just stared.  He waited, looking at me with a knowing smile on His face. 

I stared for awhile longer... then He was gone.

I ran down the mountain, across the field and back to Harmony.  She asked what He said. I admitted that I actually couldn't think of anything to ask Him... but that I could if I had a second chance.  She agreed that we should try all of this again.

So, believe it or not, I actually recounted to her my entire adventure before arriving at the Cinnamon and Sugar farm, and we decided I needed to do it all again. 

Hahaha!!!  So I began my dream from the start.  I went to all of the same places, found the same people, said the same things, then drove out to Harmony's farm.  She said, "Are you ready this time?"  I said yes. 

I walked across the sand, up the mountain, and I sat down.  Jesus appeared AGAIN!  The same way!  I was overwhelmed by the light and color and... HIM, that I couldn't say anything... again.

I came down the mountain after He'd left.  I walked up to Harmony, and I said, "I couldn't think of anything to say."

She said, "Maybe those questions just aren't important when you're face to face with Him."


Then I woke up.



All week, since that happened a week ago, I've been expectant.  I keep thinking Jesus is close by... I was at church Friday preparing for worship, and I heard a sound.  I felt so foolish when I realized it wasn't Jesus, and I had mentally prepared myself for Him to be coming in.  I wish it would be soon...

I guess I just miss Him.  Pretty soon...

Traveler

Chorus:
These four walls I don't call "home,"
'Cause I'm a traveler here.

These four walls I don't call "home,"
'Cause I'm a traveler here.

People might invite me in
'til they know who I am.
I'll invite them to travel with me,
But they wanna stay where they live.

(Chorus)

Can't get settled living out of a bag---
It makes me long for my Home.
Some I meet say they're travelers, too,
But they never get up and go.

(Chorus)

----------------------------

I was driving to church when I saw these two people about my age--- dirty and dark from the sun--- and the man held a sign that said something at the top (I couldn't read it fast enough), and at the bottom it said, "Traveling."

I ended up pulling over and talking to them for awhile.  They gave me the names Alyssa and Popeye, and they also gave me inspiration for this song.  At church I sat down and put this song together with only the first verse.  I added the second verse at home when I finally found some clean underwear in a bag we'd packed when moving into our house... we're still living out of bags!  So... there ya' go!  Traveler.

Near Me

I've seen the sun shine---
Many sunny days,
And I've watched the storms roll in.
Yeah, and I've felt the rain.


Pre-chorus
But, hey, You're here beside me!
Your arms around me, guiding.
I won't despair; 
I won't fear;
I'll just call out 'cause You're here!


Chorus
Yeah, You are near me.
You are near me.
You are near me... I'm never alone.


In a world of Hurt,
people filled with pain,
We find our hope in You, Lord,
Though the trials may stay.

Jesus, You're all I want.
You never promised an easy life:
Some days I'll still see the sun,
But some days I know it will hide.
(Pre-chorus)

---------
I wrote this song while feeling my sister's hurt after the adoption of a sweet baby girl did not go through.  I'm hoping to record this soon to share...  It has a lot of musical elements and might take awhile to record, so I'm intimidated to begin the process... we'll see! 

I sometimes do very nerdy things... for my OWN benefit, I underlined a few verbs... ignore it if it's distracting you... or just enjoy being distracted for the moment!  ?

Thanks for reading!

The Quiet recorded

Here's the song recorded quickly tonight for ya'.  :)

The Quiet

Ah, if I could hear Your voice
Just one more time, if I had a choice,
I'd ask to hear You sing.

Oh, to hear the Majesty
atop, even, the tallest tree!
I'd just awe, listening.

But I see You remain silent.
So I'll wait in the quiet.

------------

That's all I have of this song.  I don't think there's anymore to it... not sure.  I just wrote it a week and a half ago. When I say these words in private with God, they make me cry, though I'm well-aware that they might be absolutely frivolous to someone else.  :)

I heard Him once.  It was while I was at Judson.  I was asleep, and I awoke so my dad calling my name.  I ran to the doorway and said, "What?"

My dad was awake downstairs, and he said he didn't call me.

I went back to bed because it was well before time to get up.

I woke up to my name being called.  It was my dad, so I went to the doorway and hollered back.  I actually had to call twice because he was listening to the radio pretty loudly.  He said he hadn't called me.

I went back to bed. My heart was racing, because it felt strange to be awaken by a pretend thing... I thought that maybe I was dreaming about him calling me or something.  I couldn't fall back asleep, and I heard it one last time.  I stood at the edge of the stairs, know my dad would call again if he did in the first place... He hadn't been the one who audibly said my name.

That day at Judson, in chapel, there was a guest performer.  I don't have any idea who he was.  He played the piano for us and sang some original songs.  I remember I was sitting next to Matt in the balcony with his friends... I remember hating sitting up there...

And the man started the first of his songs whispering into the microphone, "Samuel...

"Samuel."

He played a little and said it again.

I remembered suddenly the strange events of the morning, and I wept.

That evening of the strange morning and the chapel guest, I told Matt how I had woken up.  I don't know if I've ever told anyone else the entire story, this being one third of it, but I had a chance to hear God's voice, and I'm convinced of it.  I just wish I knew what was happening at the time.

Now I would give anything to hear it again.  I will hear it again.  I just don't know when.

Sometimes I wonder what it means when the Bible says He sings over us.  Did you ever wonder that?  This song was formed out of a desire to hear Him again, and the curiosity of what it sounds like when He sings over us.

"Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight!"

Sometimes

I wrote a poem for a friend of mine recently... I thought I'd share it.

Sometimes the clouds are dark. Sometimes the rain is hard.
Sometimes the grass grows fast after you just clipped the yard.

Sometimes you eat baloney for 3 months in a row.
Sometimes you get ice storms---the sky never sends snow.

Sometimes the moths find the oatmeal and stay til they're tossed.
Sometimes you have to wear one earring because the other is lost.

Sometimes the pizza burns, and the smoke alarm reminds you.
Sometimes you have a day where you want no one to find you.

Sometimes means not always, because the sometimeses sometimes cease,
And that is why you, friend, have a crazy hope and peace----

You look past those bad times, and they blur in your view
And though they may get worse, even, you can't see that they grew

Because you look directly at the Bright and Morning Sun,
and you know the splendor that is soon to come.

It's not just right now, life isn't just today....
This life is like chaff the wind blows away.

The resurrection keeps us going when some times are rough,
Sometimes a reminder to remember isn't good enough.

But I hope that this small reminder helps just a bit
Because I want to help somehow as you endure all of it.

Waiting and Hoping as the Days Pass

Waiting and hoping as the days pass,
Staring and tapping on the dark glass.
Soon I will find that I'm no longer blind,
Lord, let that day come surprisingly fast.

Aching and longing for what is in store,
Mindful and grateful there is so much more.
My wordly desires thrown into the fire,
Then none will detract from the fact I am Yours.

Dripping and creaking--- deaf'ning sounds as I wait,
Peering and searching, I pursue the bait.
If You'd only return and fulfill what I yearn...
I can't help but feel that You're just slightly late.

Written September 8, 2010

No Name Yet...

Some extra cash this week as I tithe,
and I think it's sacrifice.

But how can I talk of sacrifice
when You gave up Your throne and Your life?

This is my one request:
that You would not let me forget.

Everywhere I go I pray You'd protect me, Lord
and keep me from all harm,

But then on the other side, as I sing martyrs die,
and You've kept them close in Your arms.

This is my one request:
that You would not let me forget.
This is my one request:
that You would not let my comforts let me forget.

The candle burns; the wind it blows, and I'm afraid it will go out.
But still it burns, weak as it is. Lord, please, strengthen the flame with Your power.

This is my one request:
that You would not let Your church forget.
This is my one request:
that You would not let our comforts let us forget.

The candle burns; the wind it blows, and I'm afraid it will go out.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm so young that I really don't know what phases are vs. real passions/convictions. Right now I might just be in a phase where I think that the American Church--- in general--- misrepresents what Jesus ever said, what He did. I see these tendencies in me, where I want to believe that it is enough to live comfortably and say that I gave everything. Autumn is coming, and I want to decorate the house--- maybe even just a wreath on the door--- but is that what I should spend my money on? How did it come to be that these things are so important to me? To Americans? I am really struggling. This song was written while I was doing some introspection and reflection. I don't think, at least at this point in my life, that living comfortably--- the American Dream--- is in anyway what Christ intended.

Maybe this phase will pass.

The End of June

Up Late

I don't quite have words to express the things that are happening inside of me right now. All I know is that I went to bed at a decent hour, awoke around 3:00, and I can't get back to sleep. I did read a little bit of the Mitford book I borrowed from Jessica, and it was a sweet, gentle distraction from a strange hurricane in my mind.

Soon we will have an ultrasound to find out why we have not yet heard the baby's heartbeat, and I'm not sure I will resemble a strong disciple if I find out that the baby is not alive and that I will begin miscarrying sometime in the near future.

When I had gallbladder surgery, we found out that I was allergic to Vicodin after a long evening/night/morning of taking it regularly and being unable to breath, experiencing a lot of internal pain and external itching. Eventually we got our hands on some Phenergan that was finally prescribed, but after taking it once, I did not like the effects of it, so I took myself off of pain medicine altogether in order to heal from my surgery. I can't describe the internal pain that I had--- the way that it seemed I could feel each organ rubbing against the others as I moved, as if they were all sandpaper against my nerves. But honestly, I didn't mind it too much. I was too uncomfortable to be at work, but the pain was bearable.

It's the emotional pain I dread. And I'm not sure why. I've healed from past hurts, haven't I? In fact, those hurts have brought me closer to Christ. So why the dread? I suppose part of me is afraid of failure, as if miscarrying was a result of my own inabilities. And a BIG part of me really wants this baby to arrive just before Christmas... in time for a picture by our little artificial, drooping tree.

I've thought about what it would be like to cuddle the baby... to wake up exhausted in the middle of the night to sing to the crying little one. I've thought about manners, exemplifying what loving neighbors look like for our child, watching the baby swing rhythmically in a portable swing and falling asleep. I'm concerned that I'm excited about all the wrong things in life, and that's why I'm setting myself up for a disappointment.

I remember sobbing in the middle of the night while praying for a baby, and then finding out a few weeks later that I was pregnant. I'm inclined to be indignant and say, "What a cruel joke!" if the baby has died. I also remember telling the Lord that this baby is 100% His, and that if this baby is not an earth-bound baby that I'm okay with that because I know it isn't mine anyway.

What has happened to me since then? Have I decided to take back what is rightfully God's? How dare I do that?!

I'm at a point where I need to make a conscious choice. Will I be patient and let God work? Will I let myself look at other people instead of constantly at my own situation right now?

I hope so.

Desert Song

I--- I will follow
You, though You lead me through the desert,

For You lead me,
You always lead me,
to green pastures
to quiet water.

So I--- I will follow
You, though You lead me through the desert.

- - - - -

This is a song that I wrote the day I found out I was pregnant. After two miscarriages, I waited over one difficult year to become pregnant again. And in the time I was waiting, I learned so much about desiring God alone and trusting Him. The two parts overlap, because both parts (the promise to follow and the truth that the destination is always beautiful) should run simultaneously in our minds no matter what situation--- good or bad--- we are going through. I sing this song when I'm nervous that I might be miscarrying. It's a good reminder for me.

Stand

I woke up this morning, and I looked outside.
There stood Goliath with ten thousand men, and I wanted to hide.
I said I wanted to hide.

And as I stared out that window, the rain started to pour;
The wind blew the branches all around, but I didn't fear 'cause I'm Yours

And I'm going to stand on this Rock though the mighty winds blow
I'm going to stand on this Rock all through the storm
I'm going to stand.

Sometimes I feel so ashamed, and I just want to cry
But your mighty workmen are not to be ashamed, so I won't hide!

No, I'm going to stand on this Rock though the giants surround.
I'm going to stand on this Rock, and I'm not coming down!

(On Christ the solid Rock I stand
all other ground is sinking sand,
all other ground is sinking sand...)

So I'm going to stand on this Rock though the mighty winds blow
I'm going to stand on this Rock all through the storm
No, I'm going to stand on this Rock though the giants surround.
I'm going to stand on this Rock, and I'm not coming down!

I'm going to stand!
Lord, won't You help me to stand?
I'm going to stand!


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I wrote this song when Matt was in Longview at TECH doing an internship, and I was in Elgin, waiting to marry him.  :)  I literally woke up one morning feeling like there was too much for me to do: preparing the wedding, finding an apartment, finding a job, etc.  It felt like Goliath and his men were waiting outside.  I remember looking outside and the sun was shining so bright, but I thought, "It might as well be pouring."  I decided right that moment that I was not going to let myself talk my body into crawling back under the sheets and hiding, and I figured I might need a song to get myself out of bed that morning.

So I wrote this one.  This is from the late spring of '07.  Whenever I feel overwhelmed I hum it, or play it if an instrument is available.  I've even heard Matt sing it before.  It's definitely one to get you out of bed!

You Take and You Give

Empty pockets of time
sitting, waiting for a sign
Any answer at all
or did You not hear me call?

Paper cuts, lemon juice
I thought I would hear from You
I stood waiting, thought You'd show
but I s'pose I don't know

And I'm still here waiting for You

I know You take and You give
that phrase repeats as I live
I stood waiting, thought You'd show
but I s'pose I don't know

And I'm still here waiting for You

Forgot the sound of Your voice
Or am I not listening by choice?
Were you waiting for me
to drop my will and just be?

I hope You're still here waiting for me
I hope You're still here waiting for me
Yes, You are here waiting for me!

Holy Lord, most Holy Lord,
You're good to me, good to me.
Holy Lord, most Holy Lord,
You're good to me, always good to me.

I know You take and You give
that phrase repeats as I live.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I wrote this song February '08, right after we lost our first baby.  It is a fairly whiny song, and I wrote all the way up to the last "And I'm still here waiting for You" line.  After my pain faded, I added the part about God being there the whole time, and I was the fool who didn't notice because I was just standing around and begging for what I wanted. 

But it was the following year when I wrote the layers of melodies that go with the lines "Holy Lord, most Holy Lord, You're good to me..."  I wrote that right after our second miscarriage.  I wrote that with the knowledge that God is good all of the time, and that his plans are not to destroy me with pain, but to help me become more like Him.  There are two melodies for those lines, and they continue repeatedly before the last line is added as a third melody---- the melody from the verse from where it came.

I sit down to play it when I feel like whining, because it always brings me back to turning away from myself to who God is...

And that's where I should stay focused!

Closer to You

Everyday I have a choice to make
Will I remember that all I do is for Your sake?
Help me deny my flesh, so every step I take
will bring me closer to you.

Why do I hold onto obstacles that only stand in my way
when You're trying to clear them, so my path remains straight?
Hold my hands open, Lord, when I continue to cling.
I want to be sure I take control of nothing.

I lose focus: You lose a vessel.
I look for purpose: You say I had one.
I fight for my way: You discipline.
It builds character--- and You helped me build a lot of character.

Everyday I have a choice to make

Will I remember that all I do is for Your sake?

Help me deny my flesh, so every step I take

will bring me closer to you.

Today

Gratefulness will propel me through each moment today
as I soak in the treasures that God kissed my way.
Though this day may not hold what I planned that it would,
I know it holds what the Planner thought it should.

So with thanksgiving I admire the generosity of the Giver,
and I remember that I'm blessed to praise Him forever.
I'm His--- He is mine--- and I find that most profound,
so from my mouth He will not hear a single whining sound.


_________________________________________________


Just a thought today on my tendency to whine to God and ask Him for favors without looking at what He's already given me.  Thanks for reading!

Numbered

Sovereign Lord, over harvest and drought,
You speak life into being, and the stars form out of your mouth.

Your power is endless; forever You will reign!
You've called me your child, and You have numbered my days

until I will get to be near You,
until I will get to walk by Your side,
until I will finally touch Your hem,
until I will look in Your fiery eyes.


It's something like a window between me and You.
My heart is splitting because I can't reach through!

Oh, when will I get to be near You?
When will I get to walk by Your side?
When will I finally touch Your hem?
When will I look in Your fiery eyes?

You've called me Your child, and You have numbered my days.

__________________________________


Have you ever been jealous of the disciples?  Ever jealous of Lazarus?  Lately I've been jealous of Lazarus because he was actually Jesus' FRIEND.  He wasn't a disciple.  He knew Jesus was divine... so did his sisters, Mary and Martha.  Lately I've just been jealous of these wonderful people who got to walk with and listen to the Lord.  I'm not complaining about His Spirit being with us.  I'm SO grateful that He is constantly near, but I'm a physical person as WELL as spiritual.  And I crave the physical Lord as WELL as the spiritual... version.  ?


You know that woman who got healed by grabbing the tassel of his prayer shawl?  Some versions of Scripture say His hem.  She knew He was the Messiah.  That's why she had faith to touch it.  I wish I could have been her, or even been near her when that happened. 


I have this strange homesickness... I've had it for awhile.  No matter where I am, Elgin or Longview, I go through lengths of time when I feel sick to my stomach about being here on Earth.  Right now I'm going through it, so I wrote this song this weekend.  I'm not interested whatsoever in ending my life, but I'm ready to go when He says it's time. 


That's all.