Today

Gratefulness will propel me through each moment today
as I soak in the treasures that God kissed my way.
Though this day may not hold what I planned that it would,
I know it holds what the Planner thought it should.

So with thanksgiving I admire the generosity of the Giver,
and I remember that I'm blessed to praise Him forever.
I'm His--- He is mine--- and I find that most profound,
so from my mouth He will not hear a single whining sound.


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Just a thought today on my tendency to whine to God and ask Him for favors without looking at what He's already given me.  Thanks for reading!

Numbered

Sovereign Lord, over harvest and drought,
You speak life into being, and the stars form out of your mouth.

Your power is endless; forever You will reign!
You've called me your child, and You have numbered my days

until I will get to be near You,
until I will get to walk by Your side,
until I will finally touch Your hem,
until I will look in Your fiery eyes.


It's something like a window between me and You.
My heart is splitting because I can't reach through!

Oh, when will I get to be near You?
When will I get to walk by Your side?
When will I finally touch Your hem?
When will I look in Your fiery eyes?

You've called me Your child, and You have numbered my days.

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Have you ever been jealous of the disciples?  Ever jealous of Lazarus?  Lately I've been jealous of Lazarus because he was actually Jesus' FRIEND.  He wasn't a disciple.  He knew Jesus was divine... so did his sisters, Mary and Martha.  Lately I've just been jealous of these wonderful people who got to walk with and listen to the Lord.  I'm not complaining about His Spirit being with us.  I'm SO grateful that He is constantly near, but I'm a physical person as WELL as spiritual.  And I crave the physical Lord as WELL as the spiritual... version.  ?


You know that woman who got healed by grabbing the tassel of his prayer shawl?  Some versions of Scripture say His hem.  She knew He was the Messiah.  That's why she had faith to touch it.  I wish I could have been her, or even been near her when that happened. 


I have this strange homesickness... I've had it for awhile.  No matter where I am, Elgin or Longview, I go through lengths of time when I feel sick to my stomach about being here on Earth.  Right now I'm going through it, so I wrote this song this weekend.  I'm not interested whatsoever in ending my life, but I'm ready to go when He says it's time. 


That's all.

Ponder

My eyes cast down,
staring at the ground,
as I walk on
without making a sound.

In my mind
I can feel their eyes
questioning and laughing
as if I'm a circus clown.

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   is this what life is---
   A place no one fits in?

You hear the cries
I've stifled deep inside,
and You've torn the mask
from the pain that I hide.

Every last detail,
yes, even every fingernail,
You carefully formed,
and You made it just right.

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   at my Creator! He give life,
   and He made me just right.

      This thorn in my side
      ---it is Yours, it's not mine---
      You took it away when you gave me new life.
      And this pain as I breath
      is here to remind me
      of the suffering that held You on that tree.

            And now the veil is torn
            and this crown of thorns
            isn't worn anymore
            You have opened the door
            to Your throne room--- I see
            My Savior, my God, is welcoming me!

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   at my Creator!

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It was the day before the TECH the garage sale.  There were several people in, board members and TECH friends to help.  I made a large amount of chicken and brought it across the street, so there could be a ready meal--- to relieve any stress that may have been on the host of the guests (who were staying for several days).  That night I decided to make a cake for the helping guests.  I made it and delivered it the next morning... the day of the garage sale.  I came by the sale after work, and one person complimented the cake, and another told me that it was really quite good!  She said, "I know it must have been one of your experiments, but this experiment actually turned out!"  How would a GUEST know that my meals are somewhat experimental?  And how would a GUEST have any idea that my experiments oft went awry?  I just gave her a smile, but my heart cracked, and I continued to help put the garage sale away.


This is just one instance that I found myself the butt of a joke here.  I'm not at all like the people at this organization, in fact, just last week a friend here told me I don't exactly fit.  Triangle peg... square hole.


So I wrote this and put it to music the day the innocent comment was made.  As I began singing, God helped me shift the focus from myself onto him... where it should be.  When I'm feeling insignificant or "cracked," I play this song.  My life is so much LESS about my pride than I usually think it is.

My Glasses are On...

Did you know that 52% of the world lives off of $1,000 or less each year?  That means that Matt and I are among the richest population in the world!  Those who make $10,000/year or more are in the top 10% of the richest humans.  

Today someone asked me how I am.  Today I am so embarrassed of the way I live.

Matt and I are praying for direction today, praying that God would make it very clear where he wants us.  I feel like I just want to be in the NORMAL, secular world, where it isn't confusing what a Christian should or should not look like.  Working among Christians can make my vision blurry where I cannot see exactly what God expects of me, but instead I see what they think is acceptable.  It's blurry.

We are spending the day in prayer, trying to decipher what God wants of us, though I'm suspecting He's going to keep it a secret for now.

Meanwhile, I'll keep praying and searching my motives and actions for ways to improve integrity with what I know God wants of me, versus what the average person expects God to want from me.  I'm going to go put on my glasses and search.

Lukewarm

Matchstick fire
sulfur strike
ignite and spread
so alive
     so alive

Cooling embers
soft drizzle
sizzle, hiss
smoke and ash
      smoke and ash

    Eager, but not willing
    conformed, and not transforming
    pursued, but now ignoring
    and all the while...

Stomach tight
groaning sigh
parched and dry
hunger pains
     won't go away

Candy clutches
salt water
in a glass
can't escape
     true hunger pains

    Eager, but not willing

    conformed, and not transforming

    pursued, but now ignoring 

    and all the while...

Matchstick fire

sulfur strike

ignite and spread

so alive

     so alive

"Lukewarm" is a song I wrote several months ago as I was reflecting on what I was like before I was a disciple.  Certain things would excite me about the Lord, but I wasn't willing to sacrifice my life for what God desired.  I was like the match.  As I was reflecting I suddenly started to weep; I realized that I am susceptable to falling away from my Savior, and I couldn't imagine ever doing that.  He promised me, though, that I am in his grip, and no one can snatch me out of His hand.


Then I cried for those who are not yet in His hand.  The people who say they are believers, but they are not transformed, and they have tuned out the Holy Spirit in order to live their lives as they see fit, as a child who eats candy as he pleases, and when he finds himself thirsty, he drinks whatever is available... even if it's saltwater!  So many Americans live like this, but say they are following Christ.  Then I began jotting down the words above.


Matt and I have grown very passionate about this particular topic, and whenever I ask Matt to "make a request or dedication," when I sit down at the piano, he ALWAYS chooses this one.  Thought I'd share it with you.  Perhaps the melody will come in the future.

My Explanations and Your Expectations

Matt and I share another blog, but we decided to make it a little more business-like.  Matt encouraged me to start another blog and write about the things that I think about.  This blog is NOT supposed to be important, nor do I promise to write things objectively.  I'm just going to do some writing when I feel like writing, and I'll leave it blank when I don't... it'll be a good place to let myself NOT feel guilty for NOT keeping up with it.  But... I have been feeling an urge to write a bit more, so hopefully this will help.

I write poetry.

I love playing with words and turning them into something melodic and adding a piano or guitar part to the pieces.  Maybe I'll share some songs on this blog.  I will certainly post some poetry, though. 

 I don't really share my poetry.  I suppose you could ask why I don't, and I suppose the simple answer is because I know that it usually deserves an eye-roll.  But I figure, why not have a spot where I can write things that SHOULD receive an eye-roll?  That way I'll expect it, and I won't be offended or hurt.  If anyone reads my blog, they'll expect to read some overly dramatic poetry, and then they'll not be so surprised!  Maybe it will be a good place for someone to come just to read my exaggerated thoughts, so they will come to the conclusion that they're doing pretty well themselves after all!

I'm hoping, too, that by reading my poetry, someone might get unique glimpse of God or what it means to be a Christian, from my perspective.  

I plan to share funny, sad, solemn and thoughtful poetry that is somehow linked with faith.  Perhaps one or two poems will seem to be short of being sermon material (ha ha!), but hopefully behind the scenes... or between the lines (pick your favorite cliche)... my faith will be visible.  I also plan to write prose... sometimes just thoughts I have.

If you don't expect too much you won't be let down!