Up Late

I don't quite have words to express the things that are happening inside of me right now. All I know is that I went to bed at a decent hour, awoke around 3:00, and I can't get back to sleep. I did read a little bit of the Mitford book I borrowed from Jessica, and it was a sweet, gentle distraction from a strange hurricane in my mind.

Soon we will have an ultrasound to find out why we have not yet heard the baby's heartbeat, and I'm not sure I will resemble a strong disciple if I find out that the baby is not alive and that I will begin miscarrying sometime in the near future.

When I had gallbladder surgery, we found out that I was allergic to Vicodin after a long evening/night/morning of taking it regularly and being unable to breath, experiencing a lot of internal pain and external itching. Eventually we got our hands on some Phenergan that was finally prescribed, but after taking it once, I did not like the effects of it, so I took myself off of pain medicine altogether in order to heal from my surgery. I can't describe the internal pain that I had--- the way that it seemed I could feel each organ rubbing against the others as I moved, as if they were all sandpaper against my nerves. But honestly, I didn't mind it too much. I was too uncomfortable to be at work, but the pain was bearable.

It's the emotional pain I dread. And I'm not sure why. I've healed from past hurts, haven't I? In fact, those hurts have brought me closer to Christ. So why the dread? I suppose part of me is afraid of failure, as if miscarrying was a result of my own inabilities. And a BIG part of me really wants this baby to arrive just before Christmas... in time for a picture by our little artificial, drooping tree.

I've thought about what it would be like to cuddle the baby... to wake up exhausted in the middle of the night to sing to the crying little one. I've thought about manners, exemplifying what loving neighbors look like for our child, watching the baby swing rhythmically in a portable swing and falling asleep. I'm concerned that I'm excited about all the wrong things in life, and that's why I'm setting myself up for a disappointment.

I remember sobbing in the middle of the night while praying for a baby, and then finding out a few weeks later that I was pregnant. I'm inclined to be indignant and say, "What a cruel joke!" if the baby has died. I also remember telling the Lord that this baby is 100% His, and that if this baby is not an earth-bound baby that I'm okay with that because I know it isn't mine anyway.

What has happened to me since then? Have I decided to take back what is rightfully God's? How dare I do that?!

I'm at a point where I need to make a conscious choice. Will I be patient and let God work? Will I let myself look at other people instead of constantly at my own situation right now?

I hope so.

Desert Song

I--- I will follow
You, though You lead me through the desert,

For You lead me,
You always lead me,
to green pastures
to quiet water.

So I--- I will follow
You, though You lead me through the desert.

- - - - -

This is a song that I wrote the day I found out I was pregnant. After two miscarriages, I waited over one difficult year to become pregnant again. And in the time I was waiting, I learned so much about desiring God alone and trusting Him. The two parts overlap, because both parts (the promise to follow and the truth that the destination is always beautiful) should run simultaneously in our minds no matter what situation--- good or bad--- we are going through. I sing this song when I'm nervous that I might be miscarrying. It's a good reminder for me.

Stand

I woke up this morning, and I looked outside.
There stood Goliath with ten thousand men, and I wanted to hide.
I said I wanted to hide.

And as I stared out that window, the rain started to pour;
The wind blew the branches all around, but I didn't fear 'cause I'm Yours

And I'm going to stand on this Rock though the mighty winds blow
I'm going to stand on this Rock all through the storm
I'm going to stand.

Sometimes I feel so ashamed, and I just want to cry
But your mighty workmen are not to be ashamed, so I won't hide!

No, I'm going to stand on this Rock though the giants surround.
I'm going to stand on this Rock, and I'm not coming down!

(On Christ the solid Rock I stand
all other ground is sinking sand,
all other ground is sinking sand...)

So I'm going to stand on this Rock though the mighty winds blow
I'm going to stand on this Rock all through the storm
No, I'm going to stand on this Rock though the giants surround.
I'm going to stand on this Rock, and I'm not coming down!

I'm going to stand!
Lord, won't You help me to stand?
I'm going to stand!


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I wrote this song when Matt was in Longview at TECH doing an internship, and I was in Elgin, waiting to marry him.  :)  I literally woke up one morning feeling like there was too much for me to do: preparing the wedding, finding an apartment, finding a job, etc.  It felt like Goliath and his men were waiting outside.  I remember looking outside and the sun was shining so bright, but I thought, "It might as well be pouring."  I decided right that moment that I was not going to let myself talk my body into crawling back under the sheets and hiding, and I figured I might need a song to get myself out of bed that morning.

So I wrote this one.  This is from the late spring of '07.  Whenever I feel overwhelmed I hum it, or play it if an instrument is available.  I've even heard Matt sing it before.  It's definitely one to get you out of bed!

You Take and You Give

Empty pockets of time
sitting, waiting for a sign
Any answer at all
or did You not hear me call?

Paper cuts, lemon juice
I thought I would hear from You
I stood waiting, thought You'd show
but I s'pose I don't know

And I'm still here waiting for You

I know You take and You give
that phrase repeats as I live
I stood waiting, thought You'd show
but I s'pose I don't know

And I'm still here waiting for You

Forgot the sound of Your voice
Or am I not listening by choice?
Were you waiting for me
to drop my will and just be?

I hope You're still here waiting for me
I hope You're still here waiting for me
Yes, You are here waiting for me!

Holy Lord, most Holy Lord,
You're good to me, good to me.
Holy Lord, most Holy Lord,
You're good to me, always good to me.

I know You take and You give
that phrase repeats as I live.


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I wrote this song February '08, right after we lost our first baby.  It is a fairly whiny song, and I wrote all the way up to the last "And I'm still here waiting for You" line.  After my pain faded, I added the part about God being there the whole time, and I was the fool who didn't notice because I was just standing around and begging for what I wanted. 

But it was the following year when I wrote the layers of melodies that go with the lines "Holy Lord, most Holy Lord, You're good to me..."  I wrote that right after our second miscarriage.  I wrote that with the knowledge that God is good all of the time, and that his plans are not to destroy me with pain, but to help me become more like Him.  There are two melodies for those lines, and they continue repeatedly before the last line is added as a third melody---- the melody from the verse from where it came.

I sit down to play it when I feel like whining, because it always brings me back to turning away from myself to who God is...

And that's where I should stay focused!

Closer to You

Everyday I have a choice to make
Will I remember that all I do is for Your sake?
Help me deny my flesh, so every step I take
will bring me closer to you.

Why do I hold onto obstacles that only stand in my way
when You're trying to clear them, so my path remains straight?
Hold my hands open, Lord, when I continue to cling.
I want to be sure I take control of nothing.

I lose focus: You lose a vessel.
I look for purpose: You say I had one.
I fight for my way: You discipline.
It builds character--- and You helped me build a lot of character.

Everyday I have a choice to make

Will I remember that all I do is for Your sake?

Help me deny my flesh, so every step I take

will bring me closer to you.

Today

Gratefulness will propel me through each moment today
as I soak in the treasures that God kissed my way.
Though this day may not hold what I planned that it would,
I know it holds what the Planner thought it should.

So with thanksgiving I admire the generosity of the Giver,
and I remember that I'm blessed to praise Him forever.
I'm His--- He is mine--- and I find that most profound,
so from my mouth He will not hear a single whining sound.


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Just a thought today on my tendency to whine to God and ask Him for favors without looking at what He's already given me.  Thanks for reading!

Numbered

Sovereign Lord, over harvest and drought,
You speak life into being, and the stars form out of your mouth.

Your power is endless; forever You will reign!
You've called me your child, and You have numbered my days

until I will get to be near You,
until I will get to walk by Your side,
until I will finally touch Your hem,
until I will look in Your fiery eyes.


It's something like a window between me and You.
My heart is splitting because I can't reach through!

Oh, when will I get to be near You?
When will I get to walk by Your side?
When will I finally touch Your hem?
When will I look in Your fiery eyes?

You've called me Your child, and You have numbered my days.

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Have you ever been jealous of the disciples?  Ever jealous of Lazarus?  Lately I've been jealous of Lazarus because he was actually Jesus' FRIEND.  He wasn't a disciple.  He knew Jesus was divine... so did his sisters, Mary and Martha.  Lately I've just been jealous of these wonderful people who got to walk with and listen to the Lord.  I'm not complaining about His Spirit being with us.  I'm SO grateful that He is constantly near, but I'm a physical person as WELL as spiritual.  And I crave the physical Lord as WELL as the spiritual... version.  ?


You know that woman who got healed by grabbing the tassel of his prayer shawl?  Some versions of Scripture say His hem.  She knew He was the Messiah.  That's why she had faith to touch it.  I wish I could have been her, or even been near her when that happened. 


I have this strange homesickness... I've had it for awhile.  No matter where I am, Elgin or Longview, I go through lengths of time when I feel sick to my stomach about being here on Earth.  Right now I'm going through it, so I wrote this song this weekend.  I'm not interested whatsoever in ending my life, but I'm ready to go when He says it's time. 


That's all.