Stand

I woke up this morning, and I looked outside.
There stood Goliath with ten thousand men, and I wanted to hide.
I said I wanted to hide.

And as I stared out that window, the rain started to pour;
The wind blew the branches all around, but I didn't fear 'cause I'm Yours

And I'm going to stand on this Rock though the mighty winds blow
I'm going to stand on this Rock all through the storm
I'm going to stand.

Sometimes I feel so ashamed, and I just want to cry
But your mighty workmen are not to be ashamed, so I won't hide!

No, I'm going to stand on this Rock though the giants surround.
I'm going to stand on this Rock, and I'm not coming down!

(On Christ the solid Rock I stand
all other ground is sinking sand,
all other ground is sinking sand...)

So I'm going to stand on this Rock though the mighty winds blow
I'm going to stand on this Rock all through the storm
No, I'm going to stand on this Rock though the giants surround.
I'm going to stand on this Rock, and I'm not coming down!

I'm going to stand!
Lord, won't You help me to stand?
I'm going to stand!


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I wrote this song when Matt was in Longview at TECH doing an internship, and I was in Elgin, waiting to marry him.  :)  I literally woke up one morning feeling like there was too much for me to do: preparing the wedding, finding an apartment, finding a job, etc.  It felt like Goliath and his men were waiting outside.  I remember looking outside and the sun was shining so bright, but I thought, "It might as well be pouring."  I decided right that moment that I was not going to let myself talk my body into crawling back under the sheets and hiding, and I figured I might need a song to get myself out of bed that morning.

So I wrote this one.  This is from the late spring of '07.  Whenever I feel overwhelmed I hum it, or play it if an instrument is available.  I've even heard Matt sing it before.  It's definitely one to get you out of bed!

You Take and You Give

Empty pockets of time
sitting, waiting for a sign
Any answer at all
or did You not hear me call?

Paper cuts, lemon juice
I thought I would hear from You
I stood waiting, thought You'd show
but I s'pose I don't know

And I'm still here waiting for You

I know You take and You give
that phrase repeats as I live
I stood waiting, thought You'd show
but I s'pose I don't know

And I'm still here waiting for You

Forgot the sound of Your voice
Or am I not listening by choice?
Were you waiting for me
to drop my will and just be?

I hope You're still here waiting for me
I hope You're still here waiting for me
Yes, You are here waiting for me!

Holy Lord, most Holy Lord,
You're good to me, good to me.
Holy Lord, most Holy Lord,
You're good to me, always good to me.

I know You take and You give
that phrase repeats as I live.


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I wrote this song February '08, right after we lost our first baby.  It is a fairly whiny song, and I wrote all the way up to the last "And I'm still here waiting for You" line.  After my pain faded, I added the part about God being there the whole time, and I was the fool who didn't notice because I was just standing around and begging for what I wanted. 

But it was the following year when I wrote the layers of melodies that go with the lines "Holy Lord, most Holy Lord, You're good to me..."  I wrote that right after our second miscarriage.  I wrote that with the knowledge that God is good all of the time, and that his plans are not to destroy me with pain, but to help me become more like Him.  There are two melodies for those lines, and they continue repeatedly before the last line is added as a third melody---- the melody from the verse from where it came.

I sit down to play it when I feel like whining, because it always brings me back to turning away from myself to who God is...

And that's where I should stay focused!

Closer to You

Everyday I have a choice to make
Will I remember that all I do is for Your sake?
Help me deny my flesh, so every step I take
will bring me closer to you.

Why do I hold onto obstacles that only stand in my way
when You're trying to clear them, so my path remains straight?
Hold my hands open, Lord, when I continue to cling.
I want to be sure I take control of nothing.

I lose focus: You lose a vessel.
I look for purpose: You say I had one.
I fight for my way: You discipline.
It builds character--- and You helped me build a lot of character.

Everyday I have a choice to make

Will I remember that all I do is for Your sake?

Help me deny my flesh, so every step I take

will bring me closer to you.

Today

Gratefulness will propel me through each moment today
as I soak in the treasures that God kissed my way.
Though this day may not hold what I planned that it would,
I know it holds what the Planner thought it should.

So with thanksgiving I admire the generosity of the Giver,
and I remember that I'm blessed to praise Him forever.
I'm His--- He is mine--- and I find that most profound,
so from my mouth He will not hear a single whining sound.


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Just a thought today on my tendency to whine to God and ask Him for favors without looking at what He's already given me.  Thanks for reading!

Numbered

Sovereign Lord, over harvest and drought,
You speak life into being, and the stars form out of your mouth.

Your power is endless; forever You will reign!
You've called me your child, and You have numbered my days

until I will get to be near You,
until I will get to walk by Your side,
until I will finally touch Your hem,
until I will look in Your fiery eyes.


It's something like a window between me and You.
My heart is splitting because I can't reach through!

Oh, when will I get to be near You?
When will I get to walk by Your side?
When will I finally touch Your hem?
When will I look in Your fiery eyes?

You've called me Your child, and You have numbered my days.

__________________________________


Have you ever been jealous of the disciples?  Ever jealous of Lazarus?  Lately I've been jealous of Lazarus because he was actually Jesus' FRIEND.  He wasn't a disciple.  He knew Jesus was divine... so did his sisters, Mary and Martha.  Lately I've just been jealous of these wonderful people who got to walk with and listen to the Lord.  I'm not complaining about His Spirit being with us.  I'm SO grateful that He is constantly near, but I'm a physical person as WELL as spiritual.  And I crave the physical Lord as WELL as the spiritual... version.  ?


You know that woman who got healed by grabbing the tassel of his prayer shawl?  Some versions of Scripture say His hem.  She knew He was the Messiah.  That's why she had faith to touch it.  I wish I could have been her, or even been near her when that happened. 


I have this strange homesickness... I've had it for awhile.  No matter where I am, Elgin or Longview, I go through lengths of time when I feel sick to my stomach about being here on Earth.  Right now I'm going through it, so I wrote this song this weekend.  I'm not interested whatsoever in ending my life, but I'm ready to go when He says it's time. 


That's all.

Ponder

My eyes cast down,
staring at the ground,
as I walk on
without making a sound.

In my mind
I can feel their eyes
questioning and laughing
as if I'm a circus clown.

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   is this what life is---
   A place no one fits in?

You hear the cries
I've stifled deep inside,
and You've torn the mask
from the pain that I hide.

Every last detail,
yes, even every fingernail,
You carefully formed,
and You made it just right.

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   at my Creator! He give life,
   and He made me just right.

      This thorn in my side
      ---it is Yours, it's not mine---
      You took it away when you gave me new life.
      And this pain as I breath
      is here to remind me
      of the suffering that held You on that tree.

            And now the veil is torn
            and this crown of thorns
            isn't worn anymore
            You have opened the door
            to Your throne room--- I see
            My Savior, my God, is welcoming me!

   And I ponder...
   I stop, I think, I wonder...
   at my Creator!

________________________________


It was the day before the TECH the garage sale.  There were several people in, board members and TECH friends to help.  I made a large amount of chicken and brought it across the street, so there could be a ready meal--- to relieve any stress that may have been on the host of the guests (who were staying for several days).  That night I decided to make a cake for the helping guests.  I made it and delivered it the next morning... the day of the garage sale.  I came by the sale after work, and one person complimented the cake, and another told me that it was really quite good!  She said, "I know it must have been one of your experiments, but this experiment actually turned out!"  How would a GUEST know that my meals are somewhat experimental?  And how would a GUEST have any idea that my experiments oft went awry?  I just gave her a smile, but my heart cracked, and I continued to help put the garage sale away.


This is just one instance that I found myself the butt of a joke here.  I'm not at all like the people at this organization, in fact, just last week a friend here told me I don't exactly fit.  Triangle peg... square hole.


So I wrote this and put it to music the day the innocent comment was made.  As I began singing, God helped me shift the focus from myself onto him... where it should be.  When I'm feeling insignificant or "cracked," I play this song.  My life is so much LESS about my pride than I usually think it is.

My Glasses are On...

Did you know that 52% of the world lives off of $1,000 or less each year?  That means that Matt and I are among the richest population in the world!  Those who make $10,000/year or more are in the top 10% of the richest humans.  

Today someone asked me how I am.  Today I am so embarrassed of the way I live.

Matt and I are praying for direction today, praying that God would make it very clear where he wants us.  I feel like I just want to be in the NORMAL, secular world, where it isn't confusing what a Christian should or should not look like.  Working among Christians can make my vision blurry where I cannot see exactly what God expects of me, but instead I see what they think is acceptable.  It's blurry.

We are spending the day in prayer, trying to decipher what God wants of us, though I'm suspecting He's going to keep it a secret for now.

Meanwhile, I'll keep praying and searching my motives and actions for ways to improve integrity with what I know God wants of me, versus what the average person expects God to want from me.  I'm going to go put on my glasses and search.